First Days of School

Yummy! Made by Mary Alice

Getting back to routines, after such a tough summer. Although it's been more than a month, my heart is still raw. It was especially hard (for me) with the kids going back to school. Something Marion was always a part of, checking in to see how the first days went. Well, Marion, they went fine. There were joys and sorrows, things to be excited about and things to worry about, but all in all, everyone got where they needed to go and throughout the week, adjusted to the routine. Now it's the weekend and we will all gather together again to compare notes, do homework and play.

My girls.

How did she get so old?! 8th grade!

How did he? 11th grade!

The bus stop crowd. Boy those packs were heavy on the first day.

Full Circle of Life

China, December 2010

It was with great sadness that we said good bye to our dear sweet Marion. She died this afternoon, in our home, in my arms. She was comfortable and died peacefully, surrounded by her husband, her children and her grandchildren, and her beloved dog. Please send up a prayer of hope and love for Marion's spirit. She will be greatly missed.

Donations in memory of Marion Dolan can be made to
Hospice of Buffalo
225 Como Park Blvd
Buffalo, NY 14240

Ever See Wipeout?

It's a show on TV where challengers compete on an obstacle course in adverse conditions, like in water and freezing rain, while crazy things come at them and try to knock them off the course. Things like huge revolving water wheels that must be climbed and rotating spinning things that must be jumped over. You can watch a clip here if you don't know what I am talking about.



Eric and I feel like our life is a little like this. Day after day, obstacles and challenges come flying at us. Some predictable, some not, but all add up to dizzying chaos and sheer exhaustion. Yesterday was particularly difficult, what with the yogurt challenge, where the big vanilla yogurt fell out of the fridge and splurched onto the floor, landing on BOTH of Megan's sneakers and the hinges and underside of the fridge, during the 20 mins I had to give the girls lunch between their summer school programs. Or the ant challenge, where I noticed, while doing laundry that ants were dropping on my head, and upon investigation found about 50 huge ants which ran willy nilly when I picked up the cat food dishes which sit up on a shelf about the folding table (to stay out of the dog long nose) and scared me to death. And then there was the dog challenge, which happened on Monday night, where I awoke at 12:30am and could not find Whisper, who NEVER leaves Marion's side. She was not in the crate, not in Marion's bed, not on the couch or the chair. WHERE WAS SHE??? She must be outside. Look outside 10 mins (in my pjs), nothing. Wake up Matthew. Both of us out there, 45 mins, calling WHIS- PER (feeling silly) as the only way to say that loudly is to sound very sing songgy. WHIS-PER! Only slightly comforted by the fact that I had the foresight to put a new label on her tag that had our home address and phone over her old one. WHERE WAS SHE!?!?  Finally, at 1:45am I get in the van and drive around the neighborhood, hoping no one calls the police to report a stalker in her pjs..... I come home, dejected, racked with guilt that I was the last one to let her out to pee. Matthew says "You Found Her???!!" I said, sadly "no...." He says "there she is!!" and points to the front hall. She had appeared out of nowhere!! WHERE WAS SHE??? I couldn't believe it. So we went back to bed.

All of this everyday craziness is happening amongst the daily tasks of caring for my mother-in-law, Marion is slipping away daily. It's hard to picture her living more than 3-6 weeks. She is sooo weak. She can walk a bit, but gets stuck in every chair she sits in. She is short of breath and tires with any exertion, even just moving on the bed. She loses her balance so easily that we can no longer leave her in a room alone. I am sleeping on the couch, as she wakes disoriented and forgets that she can't get up alone and might fall. I have lots of Hospice help, and Marion has dear friends who come and sit with her while I take care of things that need doing. Her sister is an angel, and comes every week from 2 hours away to help me with whatever is needed. She is amazing and I don't know what I would do without her. Eric's brother and his family joined us for a weekend and we worked non-stop emptying out their home which is sold and closing soon. I don't know how we would have done it with out them. They helped with Megan's 7th birthday party, which we celebrated joyously.

Marion is very peaceful and easy to take care of.  She never complains. But it is so sad for all of us. There is oxygen, nebulizer treatments every 4 hours, medication at 7, 1, 7 and any other times she needs extra drops under her tongue for congestion, or morphine for shortness of breath. There is a host of walkers and masks and special equipment. Plus all the misc items that we have brought from their home, and are too precious or useful to be sold, but don't have a "home" yet to be put away, so sit in my living room, in the pathway into her dining room/bedroom or in the garage, waiting for distribution to others who are coming.

The kids are all doing pretty well. I told Megan that Marion will die someday, but haven't told Shanna yet. Megan got very quiet about that. I had previously told her that Marion was getting worse and wouldn't get better. Then I asked her what she thought it meant. She just said gramma is very sick and is getting worse. I said, yes, that's true, and soon her body won't be able to stay alive, so she will die. She was very quiet. I told her there was nothing we could do about that but love her and take care of her and help her to relax and feel safe. Megan got that. She is an amazing caregiver. We are so blessed with that girl. I need to tell Shanna soon. She is so young and fragile. She already was crying the other day and said that she does not want gramma to be sick; she wants her to be well. It will be difficult for Shanna to lose her. I am glad that all the children can see the dying process, so they have a chance to mourn while it happens and understand what I am doing and why. They each see us all caring for her, providing medication, food and comfort. They see the difficulty moving, using the toilet, the falls, the confusion. They see the sleeping, the massage and the sponge baths. They see the love. That really goes a long way.

Eric is good, too. He is strong, gentle, peaceful and calm. He is happy to be able to help his mom and thankful that we can take care of her here. He has been going non-stop, after work each day, coming home to hear the challenges of the day already faced and those of the evening yet to be faced.

Marion's husband has not been well, either. The suddenness of her illness caused him to experience great anxiety, which exacerbated other medical issues he had previously and resulted in hospitalizations for him. We love him so much and are trying to get him stability and an appropriate level of care. It has required time, effort, patience and love. We communicate with his daughter daily and are praying for a full recovery for him. Recently, he has been doing better and that gives us great hope.He has not been able to see Marion since May 30th, when we had Shanna's birthday party. We hope and pray he will be able to see her soon.

And amongst all of the above, we continue to enjoy life.

Megan and her teacher

Shanna & her teacher

Megan & friends at the Kindergarten Tea

Mary Alice earn a Spanish Award!

Megan at the farm

Helping Gramma with her face cream

Hanging with Whisper and Bunny

A visit from the Hospice Music Therapist

Visit to the Zoo- Gramma was able to go with us in her wheel chair two weeks ago, her last big outing.

The merry go round was the highlight of the zoo!

The quilt is FINISHED!

Out for our 21st Wedding Anniversary

The Artist creating Megan's Birthday cake!

The final masterpiece

Opening the card and gift from Gramma

Giving the quilt

It's awesome. Ian was so happy and touched.

Snuggling with Aunt Linda

Hanging with family.

Hiding from the thunderstorm. Matthew and Megan are the other lumps

Oh, yes, I forgot. The butterflies are back. We have 6 chrysalis,  3 caterpillars and 1 butterfly, hatched today. If you have never seen them, click here to read the story from last summer. Keep clicking on "newer posts" to follow their progress as they grow up. There are four posts. It's quite a documentary of their life cycle.

A Time for Everything

Right now, I am sitting at the Dodge Dealer, waiting for my car to be fixed. It is a precious hour or two of captivity. I cannot go anywhere or do anything else. I have a three hour window of free internet access while I wait, and I am taking full advantage of it. Somehow there is time for everything.

Playing babies is a big activity in our house. Megan & Shanna switch  roles and enjoy playing all the time. Shanna particularly enjoys being a baby and it spills over into every day life. Life with Shanna is not always smooth. She has difficulty with her regulating her emotions, and while she is truly happy much of the time, as can be seen in her pictures, underneath is a very fragile little person, whose sunny outlook is peppered with a conflicted need to trust deeply and at the same time control at all costs. When pressured by a request, expectation or limit, by myself, Eric or her siblings, she often resists and with very little provocation can escalate the issue to monumental proportions, sometimes hurting herself, others or things. We have had to be really proactive and patient to head off meltdowns and understand the anxiety behind her behaviors. We think at the heart of it all is her horrifying fear that somehow we will disappear and her life will change again. We try to assure her in every way possible that she is safe and loved. Things are improving slowly and she is learning to regulate her emotions and reactions with our guidance and love. At school, she is totally engaged and happy. She is a hard worker and is learning so quickly. She can already read about 40 sight words and can write many sight words and use invented spelling. Her English language is awesome and incredible. We cannot believe the rate at which she has learned to communicate. She qualified for OT and PT services at school through a 504 plan and she LOVES all of her teachers and therapists. We made a picture schedule like Megan's to show what services she has which days and she checks it every night to see what's on the agenda the next day.

On Easter, Megan is enjoying her enormous turkey leg! She and Shanna each got one and finished every last morsel!

Easter Dinner

Hanging with Misty

Playing with the swing set box!

Shanna's friend from Shantou was brought home by her family in May. We sent these pictures along with the family to another friend who will be coming home in August or so.  Shanna has such a big family that she had to take 3 pages to fit us all in!

 

I really love how she has drawn all of our hair!!

Our nephew, Ian, lives in PA and is graduating this month. This is from the senior prom. He & Claire are on the far right, looking beautiful.

Ian & Claire

I went with Megan & Shanna to the Zoo on a school field trip.

In early spring, improvements were made to the bird house.

Shanna got a haircut.

She is very proud of it. We are trying to grow out some of the layers and give her a more girlish look. She would like it long like Megan.

Mother's Day, with all my kids. Love them so much!

Time to go to the 7th grade dance.

Time for hugs.

And more hugs.

 

And then about 2-3 weeks ago, we realized that Eric's mom was acutely ill. She had been through a series of radiation treatments on her cancer, and the radiation left her weak and unable to care for herself. We don't really know what happened, but for some reason her condition worsened to the point that neither she nor her husband could provide the care she needed. So late May, Eric & I made the decision that we would bring her to our home so that we could care for her. We moved our dining room furniture to our family room, and made our dining room into a room for her.

The girls see this as a grand adventure and have been so helpful in every way, getting Grandma settled. I found a wonderful mother's helper to come after school everyday and stay until dinner time. She helps with the girls, with household task and with dinner. I wish she could move in!!

It's turned into a comfortable spot for Marion and a gathering spot for the family.

The first morning I came downstairs to find Megan in bed with Gramma and helping her make her bed go up and down, and up and down, and up and down..... and helpfully showing her all the things out the window.

"C M O S T U" said Megan to Shanna.
"Do you  know what that spells, Shanna?"
"No, Megan. What it spells?"
"Blood Test!"......
Since we have had a parade of Hospice nurses and workers in and out of the house, Megan & Shanna have developed excellent doctor skills and a well stocked kit, supplied by the nurses. Gramma has had countless blood tests, temperature takings and medications supplied by these helpful young ladies, named Dr. Kim and Dr. Susie. Dr. Kim (Megan) informed us that boys cannot be doctors, so that's that! Gramma is an amazing trooper throughout all of this.

 

And in the meantime, Grandpa Tom is struggling as well. He has Parkinson's and has had trouble caring for his health needs, now that Marion is not home. We went to visit him where he is in a short term nursing care facility while he decides what is next for him. Megan and Shanna are checking out the bed to see if it works like Gramma's.

Marion & Tom, June 2011

June 2011

After two weeks of resting, Marion is doing much better. Her appetite is good, and her spirits are lifted by all the activity in the house. She is enjoying time with the kids and reading, and sewing. Her strength is limited, so we do what we can and she rests a lot. I am happy when she says she is bored, as I know that means she is doing pretty well. She has lots of visits from friends.

Marion's dog, Whisper

And we can't forget to mention Whisper, who joined us a few days after Marion did. She is a very sweet dog, who WORSHIPS the ground that Marion walks on. When they are separated, Whisper wanders the house looking for her. She sleeps under the blankets with Marion and I can't tell who is dog and who is woman.

Shanna & Ziggy the Piggy from Kindergarten

When we were matched with Shanna, her records indicated that she would turn 10 in March. We found this to be totally discrepant from what our observations and experience with her was. When we met her and saw her next to Megan, we saw two peas in a pod. They were on par in every way. So we started to question the validity of her birth date. She was initially placed into the 2nd grade, despite her chronological age fitting into 4th grade. Though she loved and was loved by her teacher and classmates, it became really clear that the concepts, not just the language were simply way over her head. We pursued assessments through the school in all areas (with an interpreter) and also consulted with our pediatrician and dentist. All results, including a bone age test, indicated that she was physically and emotionally functioning like a 6-7 year old girl. So we requested that she be moved to Kindergarten, like Megan, and began pursuing a change in her birth date. I contacted the adoption court in our city and was told what papers to fill out and submit. I did so, and a few weeks later her birthday was officially changed to May 30, 2004. So we celebrated Shanna's 7th birthday on Memorial Day. She was so thrilled to learn her birthday (she knew neither her age nor her birth date) and LOVED her birthday party with the cake and presents. On July 3rd, Megan will turn 7 too. And yes, now we really have Twins.

The boys helping get ready for Shanna's party.

Matthew's friend, Jess.

Shanna on her 7th birthday.

My nephew Alex and his friend, Hannah.

Aunt Sue & Shanna. I took other pictures with the cupboard closed, but none turned out as good as this one...so, too bad.

Happy Girls

 

Bubble Fun.

Matthew & Eric going to the Orchestra Banquet

When I read all of this, I honestly cannot believe how there is time for everything. I also cannot believe that 6 months have gone by since our trip to China to adopt Shanna. We took these pictures below for our 6 month post placement visit with our social worker, next Tuesday. They specifically want one picture with the whole family. It is so difficult to get everyone, in the same spot at the same time, clean, dressed, smiling...... you get the idea. It took several tries, and although a little blurry, this is the real thing: our family.