Full Circle of Life

China, December 2010

It was with great sadness that we said good bye to our dear sweet Marion. She died this afternoon, in our home, in my arms. She was comfortable and died peacefully, surrounded by her husband, her children and her grandchildren, and her beloved dog. Please send up a prayer of hope and love for Marion's spirit. She will be greatly missed.

Donations in memory of Marion Dolan can be made to
Hospice of Buffalo
225 Como Park Blvd
Buffalo, NY 14240

Ever See Wipeout?

It's a show on TV where challengers compete on an obstacle course in adverse conditions, like in water and freezing rain, while crazy things come at them and try to knock them off the course. Things like huge revolving water wheels that must be climbed and rotating spinning things that must be jumped over. You can watch a clip here if you don't know what I am talking about.



Eric and I feel like our life is a little like this. Day after day, obstacles and challenges come flying at us. Some predictable, some not, but all add up to dizzying chaos and sheer exhaustion. Yesterday was particularly difficult, what with the yogurt challenge, where the big vanilla yogurt fell out of the fridge and splurched onto the floor, landing on BOTH of Megan's sneakers and the hinges and underside of the fridge, during the 20 mins I had to give the girls lunch between their summer school programs. Or the ant challenge, where I noticed, while doing laundry that ants were dropping on my head, and upon investigation found about 50 huge ants which ran willy nilly when I picked up the cat food dishes which sit up on a shelf about the folding table (to stay out of the dog long nose) and scared me to death. And then there was the dog challenge, which happened on Monday night, where I awoke at 12:30am and could not find Whisper, who NEVER leaves Marion's side. She was not in the crate, not in Marion's bed, not on the couch or the chair. WHERE WAS SHE??? She must be outside. Look outside 10 mins (in my pjs), nothing. Wake up Matthew. Both of us out there, 45 mins, calling WHIS- PER (feeling silly) as the only way to say that loudly is to sound very sing songgy. WHIS-PER! Only slightly comforted by the fact that I had the foresight to put a new label on her tag that had our home address and phone over her old one. WHERE WAS SHE!?!?  Finally, at 1:45am I get in the van and drive around the neighborhood, hoping no one calls the police to report a stalker in her pjs..... I come home, dejected, racked with guilt that I was the last one to let her out to pee. Matthew says "You Found Her???!!" I said, sadly "no...." He says "there she is!!" and points to the front hall. She had appeared out of nowhere!! WHERE WAS SHE??? I couldn't believe it. So we went back to bed.

All of this everyday craziness is happening amongst the daily tasks of caring for my mother-in-law, Marion is slipping away daily. It's hard to picture her living more than 3-6 weeks. She is sooo weak. She can walk a bit, but gets stuck in every chair she sits in. She is short of breath and tires with any exertion, even just moving on the bed. She loses her balance so easily that we can no longer leave her in a room alone. I am sleeping on the couch, as she wakes disoriented and forgets that she can't get up alone and might fall. I have lots of Hospice help, and Marion has dear friends who come and sit with her while I take care of things that need doing. Her sister is an angel, and comes every week from 2 hours away to help me with whatever is needed. She is amazing and I don't know what I would do without her. Eric's brother and his family joined us for a weekend and we worked non-stop emptying out their home which is sold and closing soon. I don't know how we would have done it with out them. They helped with Megan's 7th birthday party, which we celebrated joyously.

Marion is very peaceful and easy to take care of.  She never complains. But it is so sad for all of us. There is oxygen, nebulizer treatments every 4 hours, medication at 7, 1, 7 and any other times she needs extra drops under her tongue for congestion, or morphine for shortness of breath. There is a host of walkers and masks and special equipment. Plus all the misc items that we have brought from their home, and are too precious or useful to be sold, but don't have a "home" yet to be put away, so sit in my living room, in the pathway into her dining room/bedroom or in the garage, waiting for distribution to others who are coming.

The kids are all doing pretty well. I told Megan that Marion will die someday, but haven't told Shanna yet. Megan got very quiet about that. I had previously told her that Marion was getting worse and wouldn't get better. Then I asked her what she thought it meant. She just said gramma is very sick and is getting worse. I said, yes, that's true, and soon her body won't be able to stay alive, so she will die. She was very quiet. I told her there was nothing we could do about that but love her and take care of her and help her to relax and feel safe. Megan got that. She is an amazing caregiver. We are so blessed with that girl. I need to tell Shanna soon. She is so young and fragile. She already was crying the other day and said that she does not want gramma to be sick; she wants her to be well. It will be difficult for Shanna to lose her. I am glad that all the children can see the dying process, so they have a chance to mourn while it happens and understand what I am doing and why. They each see us all caring for her, providing medication, food and comfort. They see the difficulty moving, using the toilet, the falls, the confusion. They see the sleeping, the massage and the sponge baths. They see the love. That really goes a long way.

Eric is good, too. He is strong, gentle, peaceful and calm. He is happy to be able to help his mom and thankful that we can take care of her here. He has been going non-stop, after work each day, coming home to hear the challenges of the day already faced and those of the evening yet to be faced.

Marion's husband has not been well, either. The suddenness of her illness caused him to experience great anxiety, which exacerbated other medical issues he had previously and resulted in hospitalizations for him. We love him so much and are trying to get him stability and an appropriate level of care. It has required time, effort, patience and love. We communicate with his daughter daily and are praying for a full recovery for him. Recently, he has been doing better and that gives us great hope.He has not been able to see Marion since May 30th, when we had Shanna's birthday party. We hope and pray he will be able to see her soon.

And amongst all of the above, we continue to enjoy life.

Megan and her teacher

Shanna & her teacher

Megan & friends at the Kindergarten Tea

Mary Alice earn a Spanish Award!

Megan at the farm

Helping Gramma with her face cream

Hanging with Whisper and Bunny

A visit from the Hospice Music Therapist

Visit to the Zoo- Gramma was able to go with us in her wheel chair two weeks ago, her last big outing.

The merry go round was the highlight of the zoo!

The quilt is FINISHED!

Out for our 21st Wedding Anniversary

The Artist creating Megan's Birthday cake!

The final masterpiece

Opening the card and gift from Gramma

Giving the quilt

It's awesome. Ian was so happy and touched.

Snuggling with Aunt Linda

Hanging with family.

Hiding from the thunderstorm. Matthew and Megan are the other lumps

Oh, yes, I forgot. The butterflies are back. We have 6 chrysalis,  3 caterpillars and 1 butterfly, hatched today. If you have never seen them, click here to read the story from last summer. Keep clicking on "newer posts" to follow their progress as they grow up. There are four posts. It's quite a documentary of their life cycle.