It hasn't been easy to find normal. It feels hidden away, deep under the numbness and pain of the past events. I have begun to think of life as the time Before Marty (died) and After Marty. It is a painful division. The world, never really secure to begin with, is suddenly so hard to depend on. I, like most of the family, have vivid dreams and nightmares that hover just below the surface of my conscious mind. A few times I woke up to check in with Eric in the morning:
Do you still have a job?
Yes.
Do you still love me?
Yes.
Are the people that were alive yesterday still alive this morning?
Yes.
Are the people who were dead yesterday still dead?
Yes.
It is a gruesome and realistic check in. But I am grateful that the answers to the first three are Yes.
I wish I could change the last, but I can't.
Many times, Megan has said to me, with a deep sigh,
A lot of people have died.
Yes.
You're not going to die, are you. (said as a statement, not a question)
No, honey, I'm not.
And there are details of life that are too private to share here. We struggle daily to regain the footing that we once had so firmly planted. Each of us in my house are struggling. Every night there is a meltdown of someone. It's hard. I continue to follow my own advice and focus on what I can change and what I must accept, I accept. I guess I am doing alright, but it is not easy.
The girls continue to chatter to each other late into the night about their babies plans and experiences. I am so glad they have each other to comfort them. When Shanna hesitates down the slippery step out to the bus stop, Megan patiently waits and takes her hand so she feels secure. It's an amazing thing to watch. Both of them are doing so well at school. The teachers report that despite the stress they are under, at school they feel safe and loved and are making tremendous progress. What a relief. We Skype with Gramma Judy on Sundays and she reads a story to them. They look forward to that so much. We had our first family birthday dinner in months, and it was good to celebrate together again.
Mary Alice is finding joy in the drama club at school, where she and her friends are writing movies and casting them, soon to begin filming. She has found a group of similarly minded girls who love horses and art and reading and enjoys spending her time with them. It has given her a good outlet for her emotions.
Matthew is really struggling. This has hit him so hard at a really tender state in his development toward adulthood. We are doing everything we can to help him to feel better. Slowly, some things are finding their way to a new normal. A different, but not entirely horrible state. It's just going to take time.
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| Misty sees an opportunity to snuggle. |
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| We haven't had much snow this winter, but we took advantage of what we had. He melted quickly but we saved his last bits in a bag in the freeze to bring him back to life during the next snow. |
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| A mini Snowman. |
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| Daddy's Birthday |
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| Hugs all around |
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| And more! |
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| The January Family Birthday Dinner |
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| Misty enjoying the box Megan provided for her, complete with blanket and toys. |
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| Mary Alice and her friends going to La Boum, the 8th Grade dance. |
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| And me, in a rare moment of stillness, and Whisper taking full advantage of the situation. With every breath she sank lower into my neck. It was lovely and tickly. |
